Mal Au Cœur : Chronicles of the Revolution
by La Mouette Lunaire
Summary: Who would have thought that a certain sadistic Colonel's next mission involves escorting a beautiful princess safely back to camp? Well everyone, really. Act 2: The arrival at the sea. And female competition.
1. ACT I : The Compulsive Prequel

**Mal Au Cœur : Chronicles of the Revolution**  
_ACT I : The Compulsive Prequel_

-

It was a beautiful morning in no need of further description. People all around were busy attending to various matters, none of which shall be discussed here. None, except for one.

"AND GET ME TAVINGTON ON THE PHONE, ASAP!" British Major General Lord Charles Cornwallis yelled in an unreasonably loud voice.

"But milady," the young British soldier named Asap replied nervously. "The Colonial Militia took all our Royal British Phones hostage. And the mobiles. And the computers. And an elderly carrier pigeon called Roy!"

"Why, that's horrible!" Cornwallis gasped and sank into his chair. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Don't fear, milady!" Tavington announced as he stepped out of Cornwallis's wardrobe, covered in dog collars and parchment. "I have fully anticipated the problem before it even arose and took precautions by hiding in your wardrobe, trying to forge marriage certificates between Benjamin Martin and your boarhounds."

"Were you successful then?" Cornwallis inquired.

"No," Tavington said, lowering his head in shame. "I ran out of ink. BUT," he smiled. "I found an old box filled with dog collars and I wondered if I may be allowed to keep this one?" He held up a particularly fringy, green collar. "It says Fluffy."

"Very well," Miss Lord Cornwallis M.D. said and stood up. "Perhaps you will be able to put it to good use on your next mission."

"Mission, mother?" Tavington asked.

"Yes, mission. A special assignment given to a person or group. A mission." Cornwallis paused, allowing Tavington to attempt a comment which he then immediately and most skilfully interrupted.

"Prior to the kidnapping of my precious computers I have purchased a woman on Ebay. She is a French prostitute with a tragic past, a skilled swordswoman, the Queen of Bora Bora, daughter of an elf and a pixie stick and my illegitimate child twice removed. She is known for wearing very nice and very expensive hats which may prove crucial for our victory over whoever is on schedule to be fought next. She will arrive today in a quaint little town by the see called New Harvordhampshiredon. I want her to be brought here instantly and seeing as you are known to be a most sympathetic people person with highly refined social skills I will assign this task to you. Now, if you could perhaps stop assaulting young Asap with my precious silverware and depart at once?"

Tavington dropped the bloody spoon and looked aghast. "But doctor," he protested. "I am a man of the field! A soldier! A warrior! A ninja! I fight! I conquer! I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers! I put on wo-"

"Enough of that nonsense!" Cornwallis barked and slammed his hands firmly on the table, squashing his English morning muffin in the process. "You will escort Princess Queen Victoria Galadrowyn Serenity Nightfire and you will bring her to me, completely unharmed and in a disgustingly chipper mood! Or else…" He deliberately flattened the muffin further with a particularly predatory look in his eyes. "Are we understood?"

Tavington stared at him with gritted teeth, cursing each and every inch of the chain of command in his mind. Then with great effort he spoke up.

"OMGURSOMEAN!!1!11!!" he affirmed and stomped out of the room.

**To be continued…**

-

I am currently extremely entertained by myself. Feel free to share your thoughts.


	2. ACT II : Or is she?

**Mal Au Cœur : Chronicles of the Revolution**  
_ACT II : Or is she?_

- 

On the sandy shores of good old New Harvordhampshiredon stood a beautiful young lady in no need of further description.

"Huh?"

I said: On the sandy shores of-

"Waddaya mean, no feather needs of indescription?"

"It's English, milady. English as opposed to whatever it is you are trying to utter." Tavington said as he fell gracefully from his trusty horse.

"Yeah, I kinda got that. Like, what about the beauty thingy though? 'Cause I think you should totally mention my sex-ay new hairdo with shimmering suns of flaxen goodness and streaks of purest hairy gold and all that stuff." The brat whine- ah, young lady proposed softly.

"We haven't got any time for that now. But rest assured, milady, that I shall attend to it personally the next time I have a prisoner to torture. As of now-"

"OH MY GOD YOU STARTLETTED ME." The lady interrupted in a worryingly loud speaking voice.

Tavington turned his gaze in search of other arrivals or a guillotine but to his great disappointment spotted neither. He turned back to the girl, trying his best to hide the wave of shivering revulsion that was currently shaking his entire body. "I beg you pardon, your lowliness?"

"OH MY GOD YOU STARTLETTED ME." she repeated in the same 'talking-loud-and-clearly-to-the-elderly' voice and Tavington noticed that she appeared to be looking at her hand with great concentration.

"You wouldn't happen to be reading the only vaguely coherent sentence you have uttered so far from a cheat sheet, would you?"

The young lady blinked and took up scratching her pink hair with great vigour. Then she smiled with relief. "Nah, 's from my hand."

"I see. Now, Miss Nightfire-"

"Huh?"

"M-i-s-s N-i-g-h-t-f-i-r-e. Princess Queen Victoria Galadrowyn Serenity Yadda Yadda Nightfire. It's your name. N-a-m-e. A word or words by which an entity is designated and distinguished from others. And y o u r n a m e is-"

"Sass!"

"I beg you pardon?"

"It's Sass. Sabrina Angelica Stephanie Starlight. Or Sass. But where I come from everyone calls me Phoenix!"

"Would that be because of your highly combustible quality?"

"Huh?"

"No, I didn't think so. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up." Tavington sighed.

"I think I gotta tell you something. I'm actually a talented orphan singer from the future but I was totally scared I'd change the war or something if I tell you so I put on some of those old things and used my acting skills to talk like you guys so you wouldn't figure it out! Cool, huh?"

"So you are most definitely not Princess Queen Victoria Galadrowyn Serenity Nightfire, a French prostitute with a tragic past, a skilled swordswoman, the Queen of Bora Bora, daughter of an elf and a pixie stick and the General's illegitimate child twice removed?"

"Nah… uh, wait – what was the thing about the French pixie child again?"

"…and you have not been purchased by Major General Lord Charles Cornwallis on E-bay?"

"Uh… nah."

"You are also not affiliated with Major General Lord Charles Cornwallis in any way whatsoever?"

"Affallat-whaz?"

"And if you were to meet a gruesome end involving a spoon, a rope, fire and this haystack over there Major General Lord Charles Cornwallis would not be upset about it whatsoever?"

"Uhm…"

Ten Minutes Later

The sun disappeared slowly behind the idle roofs of New Harvordhampshiredon by the sea and its orange shimmer nurtured the warm glow of the slightly oversized campfire. 

Further down the beach Colonel Tavington and his trusty horse rode off into the sunset, merrily whistling tunes to themselves.

**To be continued…**

-

I think I'm currently suffering from plot. I shall hopefully get over it soon.


End file.
